Are you dressing to disappear?

Last week I attended a professional event. I hadn't been to this event before and I had no idea who would be there or what to expect.

I wanted to wear something that was professional yet expressive of me. I got dressed and looked in the mirror.

It hit me immediately.

I had shrunk myself down to what felt safe. 

When we get dressed, we aren't just choosing an outfit, we are regulating our visibility. It isn't just a decision about what 'looks good' it's a decision about how much exposure we can tolerate.

In essence, it's a risk assessment.

More often than not, it happens without our conscious awareness. Our nervous system scans for risk around visibility, judgement, interpretation, and attention.

My nervous system made the call that it was safest to wear neutral colours that don't stand out. So there I was, looking at my reflection, dressed in black pants and a cream silk shirt, my go to uniform of safety.

Our style choices carry different levels of perceived exposure. The moment we get dressed is the moment the unconscious negotiations start. 'I'm happy to look elegant but not bold' 'I want to look professional not showy' 'I don't want people to comment on how I'm dressed''I don't want to stand out'.

What we are really negotiating is 'How much of myself am I willing to reveal?'

More times than I care to admit, I have put on a fabulous outfit only to take it off and change into something safer. In those moments, the fabulousness of the outfit is not a match for my nervous system.

Visibilty is interpreted as unsafe.

For centuries women have been walking a tightrope when it comes to their clothing and appearance. At its most heinous, violent physical assaults perpetrated against women have been blamed on their clothing choices. Black women and women of colour have been forced to conceal their natural hair in the name of 'professionalism'. A woman who chooses to wear a lot of make up is perceived of as less competant, so is a woman who doesn't wear any. Wear too much and you're not taken seriously, wear none you're not taken seriously either.

Dress your age. She was asking for it. Mutton dressed as lamb. Cheap. Tacky. Slutty. Matronly. Yummy Mummy. Mumsy. Ladylike. Frumpy. Dowdy.

The pressure on women to present themselves in a way that prevents unwanted attention yet makes them appear acceptable in the eyes of society is frightening.

The result is that the external gaze becomes internalised. So when we look in the mirror, the imagined audience is already present.

We surveil ourselves.

When I chose my 'safe' outfit, I was really choosing not to be misread, not to be commented on, not to be too memorable, not to be positioned incorrectly in someone else’s perception.

Safe clothing attempts to manage perception.

This is exhausting because every outfit carries a hidden second task. It isn't just 'Does this feel right?' but 'Can I handle being seen today?'.

This creates an emotional load before the day has even begun. It turns getting dressed into visibility management instead of self expression.

When I looked into my own eyes in the mirror, knowing exactly what had happened, I knew I had to make a different choice. I knew I deserved better.

With the clock ticking, I changed my shirt to a bright red one, added some jewellery and a bright red lip and off I went. I felt great.

The week's embodied style practice

This week I want you to identify your own 'uniform of safety'. What outfit do you gravitate towards regularly because it doesn't push your boundaries? The one that feels nice but bland, acceptable not expressive.

Can you tweak that outfit so it becomes more visible? In the case of my outfit, the tweak was colour. Simply changing my shirt from cream to red was enough to help me step into more visibility without setting my nervous system on fire.

Our clothing tells the world something about us. It is our visual language. When we water down our style, we water down ourselves. Let's change that, one tweak at a time.

Julie x

P.S. Share this with someone and help this conversation grow. Let’s break the rules together.