'Wear what makes you happy' is lazy advice.

There is a sentiment I hear repeated on social media that I have also heard in retail, and that is 'Wear what makes you happy' or 'Wear what you love'. It sounds empowering but it drives me crazy.

Many times I have witnessed a woman take a garment off the rack and gaze upon it with adoring eyes. Sometimes I would describe it as rapture. As though the garment has stirred up profound and beautiful memories for her. Then she puts it back, never really entertaining the idea that she could wear it, deeming it too special for her.

It makes her happy, so why isn't she wearing it?

There is an invisible system running your wardrobe. Ingrained conditioning that shapes your preferences and determines how you are allowed to appear.

Conditioning that sounds like 'wear what is flattering, slimming, age appropriate, gets approval, avoids judgement'.

We are trained to dress for the reaction not the feeling.

What this creates looks like insecurity but what it actually is, is disconnection. A disconnection between you and your preferences, your individuality, your style. A disconnection between you and the rapture.

When I was in my late teens and early 20's, I loved wearing wild outfits. When I reflect on that time, I remember feeling fearless. Getting dressed to go out was just as much fun as the party itself.

As I got older, the fire of fearlessness was slowly snuffed out. You don't notice it happening because it sounds like 'age appropriate, mature, timeless, classic, feminine, flattering'. What it really is, is conditioning.

The approval system conditions us to monitor ourselves through the gaze and expectations of others. We are trained to override our own instincts, comfort, preferences and identity in favour of external validation.

So when people say, 'Just wear what makes you happy,' they are removing the old rules without offering a new system of support. Without support, we don’t suddenly become fearless and expressive, we become overwhelmed.

So what do we do? How do we deprogram from the conditioning and reconnect to our own desires?

You build self-trust.

When you are conditioned to look for external approval, you lose connection with your own values, judgement and abilities. You lose trust in your ability to make your own decisions.

Rebuilding self trust starts with knowledge. Just like learning an instrument, you have to learn the notes, the chords and the melody before you can play a song, before you can lose yourself in the music, before you can express yourself through it.

Understanding colour, silhouette and fabric gives you a practical framework for getting dressed. It helps you understand why certain clothes feel amazing while other ones feel off.

That is knowing your instrument.

That is knowing yourself.

This week's embodied style practice

This week when you are getting dressed, I want you to notice when you feel the approval system kicking in. It sounds like, 'Is it flattering? Is it age appropriate? Will I stand out too much?'

You don't need to force yourself to wear the outfit, this is about learning to recognise the difference between your desires and your conditioning.

If you do choose to wear it, notice what thoughts and feelings arise. Do you feel beautiful, confident, powerful? Do you want to run home and change? Or is it something in between?

Feeling disconnected and confused when it comes to your style isn't your fault. Trends, beauty standards and rules about what's appropriate have slowly and deliberately chipped away at your self-trust.

But rebuilding it is a decision only you can make.

Self-trust isn't built through blind confidence or 'winging it'. It is built through knowledge and commitment. Learning what works, what doesn’t, what feels amazing and what feels off.

Style is inevitable when you understand yourself.

That's when getting dressed starts feeling like liberation, like power. It becomes the pure expression of someone who understands their instrument and gets lost in the rapture of the music.

Julie x