Can a compliment change your style?

Last weekend I ran into a friend on the street. As she walked towards me, I was hit with how fabulous she looked. We greeted each other with a hug, ‘You look beautiful!’, I exclaimed. ‘So do you, as always’, she replied. ‘You don’t have to return the compliment’ I added, a little too hastily. ‘Why not? It’s true’, she said.

Our exchange stayed with me.

Why are we so awkward when it comes to receiving compliments? Why can’t we just say thank you and bask in the glow of the gift?

Every day we tell ourselves stories.

We read from our own personal collection of fairy tales like it was the complete works of the Brothers Grimm. We tell ourselves who we are, what we’re capable of, what we are worthy of, how we should be treated. We have a story for every part of our lives.

These stories were often handed to us, some of them we co-wrote, most of them we didn’t. These stories are powerful, they run our lives, but the truth is, we are rarely aware of them.

Our stories create a lens through which we interpret the world. Information is filtered through this lens, rearranged and presented back to us.

You walk into a shop and spot the most beautiful dress. It sparkles and shines with outrageous audacity. You try it on. When you look in the mirror you light up with joy. It’s fabulous! You buy it.

Then it sits there unworn.

Every time you put it on, a voice appears telling you it’s too much, telling you that you aren’t the kind of person who can pull that off. So you don’t wear the fabulous dress, even though you love it.

That is a story rearranging information and presenting it back to you.

When we hear something or see something that doesn’t match our story, we reject it as false. When you have a narrative that tells you that you are not fabulous enough to wear a fabulous dress, you will reject it, despite the fact that you feel amazing in the dress.

So you say the dress isn’t your style, but the truth is, it doesn’t align with the story you’re telling yourself about who you are.

It takes the information, ‘I feel fabulous in this fabulous dress’, rearranges it ‘It’s a fabulous dress but not for me’ and presents it to you as truth.

Our stories run our lives.

When someone gives you a compliment and your story rejects it as false, then you will reject the compliment.

You will throw it like a hot potato.

If someone says ‘That’s a beautiful jacket!’ and you don’t feel worthy of wearing a beautiful jacket, it will feel impossible to hold the compliment. You may feel too visible, too seen. Like you’ve been caught doing something you shouldn’t be doing.

It can feel like a spotlight is shining right in your face.

You jump to diminish it, ‘It was on sale’ ‘Oh I’ve had this for years’ ‘Really this old thing?’ You engage all sorts of verbal gymnastics trying to realign the story.

But what would happen if we let the compliment co-author a new story?

The week’s embodied style practice

This week I want you to notice what happens when someone gives you a compliment. What feelings arise? How does it feel in your body?

You don’t have to force yourself to behave differently, just notice how you react. Then reflect on it. You can ask yourself, do I believe what they said? Is there a mismatch between the compliment and my inner narrative?

Compliments are like breadcrumbs guiding us along the path to understanding our stories. The beautiful thing is, we can change direction, choose our own adventure, rewrite the ending.

It’s your story, you get to decide what happens.

Julie x

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